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                             Website Designed & Created by Scott "Gonzo" Weaver  2010.

   One bolt said to the other; “We’re screwed,” the first ones says.   “How do ya know?” … “We have to work with these nuts.”

A guy comes in and asks “Can I get a new starter motor for my Yugo… I said, “Sounds like a good trade to me” 

   What did the straight screwdriver say to the Phillips screw;  “I like ya and all, but you’re just not my type.”

A guy comes in the shop says; “My headlights don’t work.” I ask him; “When did you notice the problem.” He answers; “At night.”

   A lady called and told me that her battery was dead.  I suggested she “jump” the battery… her reply; “I’m not that kind of girl.”
   What did the mini spare say to the other four tires?  “I’ll stay in the trunk you guys go ahead… I’m a little tire..d”
A guy calls and asks, “Do ya think ya can fit my car in the shop today?”
 The mechanic tells him, “I don’t know, how big is it?” 

   Over a remote Scottish island a helicopter lost power and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. “Is there a mechanic in the area?” he asked the woman who answered the door. She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. “No,” she finally said, pointing down the road, “but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.”

    The shop is dead, nothing going on, not a car in sight … anywhere.  Then 2 cars pull up, both drivers get out and come into the shop.   They tell me the entire problem with the car and hand me the keys.  The owner that handed me the keys then describes the car in detail to me …. So I won’t get it confused with the other cars in the parking lot.  Then the two of them drove off in the other car.   Now I’m confused… Must be more than one parking lot around here.  

    Customer comes into the lobby, “I’m here to pick up my car.”
Mechanic, “You’re that strong aye?”

   A young customer calls and tells me that his parking lights aren’t working on his car… I’m having one of those rotten days at the shop that everyone experiences time to time.  I thought I would try to ease up the day by lightening things up a bit.  The young customer tells me, “I only have 200.00 dollars to spend on the problem.  How much do you think it will cost?”  Trying to funny with the young customer, I soberly answered him, “199.99.”  There was a loud click and then nothing but dial tone… gee, I guess he didn’t appreciate the humor in it.  

   A caller is unsure whether or not to bring his car in the shop.  Even though he has been referred to the shop by several people he personally knows.  After much debate but lack of insurance about the capabilities of the shop, he insisted that I come out to his place and examine the car there.  I tried another approach to get this guy to bring his car in, “How about you just hold the phone up to the exhaust pipe, I’ll listen to it and then have you rev the engine a bit.” He did just that.  After he picked up the phone, (and I stopped laughing) I told him, “Yea, ya better bring it in, sounds serious to me.”  He brought it in later that day… go figure.

   A simple oil change and tire rotation turned out to be a lesson in physics.  I changed the oil and rotated the tires and when I pulled the car around front the owner was outraged.  Seems I didn’t align each of the valve stems.  I really was thinking it should have been Darwin’s theory of natural selection gone wrong. 
   An old couple is driving on the freeway, their phone rings; it’s their ever so nervous daughter.  “Mom, I know you’re on the highway, I just wanted to warn you that there is a crazy driver going the wrong way on the freeway.”  Mom shouts back, “There’s more than one.”

   A fella calls and goes in to great detail about his truck, the amount of information he gave would fill a book.  When asked; what kind of car it was… his only reply;  “It’s a red one…” 
   Have you ever noticed that it takes 3 guys in a TV commercial to stare under a hood…
    I bought a bottle of blinker fluid but I haven’t found where to put it.

    It takes over 3500 bolts to put a car together, but it only takes one loose nut behind the wheel to screw the whole thing up.

I – D – I – O – T, this is an oldie, when a new guy starts at the shop we try to make him fit in with the rest of the group.  To let the new guy know that we tend not to be as serious as they think we are.  We send them to look for a part… an ID…ten….T …  If there is some doubt as to where one of these items can be found… we suggest looking in the bathroom … check the mirror.  You’ll find it. 
    PRNDL  --- Pronounced: “prindel”   
“People Really Need Driving Lessons”

I asked this really hip New York city  driver a question once...  "hey, dude, what would you do if you saw a space man... ?"
driver; "... I'd park man...."

What is sex drive?   The distance from the bar to the motel.....

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"

I just waxed my car..... now it's completely hairless...  (from my buddy Kevin Dick ... he's hysterical)

People that run in front of cars.... get tired.   People who run behind cars....get exhausted.


Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile 
Asia's Curse Upon Rural America 

All Makes Combined 
A Major Cost 
A Mutated Car 
A Morons Car 
Another Major Catastrophe 
A Man's Car 
A Miss Conception 
All Muscle Car 
All Most Car 
Annoying Mechanics Constantly 
Automotive Mental Cruelty 

Always Unsafe Designs Implemented 
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence 
Automobile Under Demonic Influence 
Another Ugly Deutsche Invention 
Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence 
Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc. 
All Unnecessary Devices Installed 

Big Money Works 
Bought My Wife 
Brutal Money Waster 
Break My Window 
Break My Windshield 
Babbling Mechanical Wench 
Beastly Monstrous Wonder 
Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels 
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder 
Barely Moving Wreck 
Big Money Waste 
Big Money. Why? 
Big Money Works 
Born Moderately Wealthy 
Breaks Most Wrenches 
Bring Many Wrenches 
Brings Me Women 
Brings More Women 
Broken Money Waster 
Broke My Wallet 
Broken Monstrous Wonder 
Bumbling Mechanical Wretch 
Blasphemous Motorized Wreck 
Bavarian Manure Wagon 

Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer 
Big Ugly Imitation Chrome King 

Can A Mechanic Actually Repair One?? 
Can't America Make A Real One? 
Chevrolet Assembled Mustang And Repaired Often 
Could Always Manufacture And Recall Often 

Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips 
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time 
Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time 
Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques 
Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology 

Lacks Total Dependability 
Lots To Do 
Looses Transmissions Daily 

 Good Engineering Overlooked 

General Maintenance 
Great Mistake 
Garbage Motors 
Generally Miserable 
Grossly Misconceived 
Gluteus Maximus 
Good Money 
Goofy's Manufacturing 
Gone Mental 

Grief & Misery Combined 
Garage Man's Companion 
Gotta Mechanic Coming? 
Generally Mediocre Cars 
Get More Chicks 
Gets Mechanics Crazy 
Gods Mechanical Curse 
Got More Crap 
Great Mountain Climber 
Great Motor Car 
God Made Chevy 
Good Moron Car 
Got Mine Cheap 
Get My Checkbook 
Gone Mad Corp. 

Gas, Tires, Oil 
Get Tools Out 
Get To Onramp 
Good To Own 
Get The Others 
Generally Trashed Out 
Good Time Out 
Gone To Overdrive 

Honest Officer, Nobody Drank Anything 
Had One Never Did Again 
Hang On, Not Done Accelerating 
Hallmark Of Non-Descript Automobiles 
Hallmark Of Non-Destructable Automobiles 
History Of No Dramatic Acceleration 
How Odd, No Darn Acceleration? 
PRELUDE: Pistons Rattle, Engine Locks Up, Differential Explodes 

Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive... 

Just Eats Every Part 
Just Empty Every Pocket 
Junk Engineering Executed Poorly 
Jumps Extremely Excitedly over Potholes 
Jinxed Engine has Extra Parts 
Just Enough Engine Power

Kick It Around 
Kick It Again 
Killed In Action 

 Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious 

 Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along 

Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere 
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater 
Dead Old Dog Going East 
Dead On Day Guarantee Expires 
Dead On Delivery, Go Easy 
Dead On Delivery, Guarantee Expired 
Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter 
Dear Old Dads Garage Experiment 
Daily Overhauls Do Get Expensive 

Every Day Something Else Leaks 
Every Day Some Engineer Laughs 

Failure in Italian Automotive Technology 
Fix It Again, Tony 
Fix It All the Time 
Found In A Toilet 
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation 

Ferociously Elegant Racer Ravages All Roads Instantly

Frigin' Old Rebuilt Dodge 
Fix Or Repair Daily 
Found On Road Dead 
Fast Only Rolling Downhill 
First On Race Day 
First On Recall Day 
Fabricated Of Refried Dung 
Fails On Rainy Days 
Fantastically Orgasmic Realistic Dream 
Fatally Obese Redneck Driver 
Fault Of R&D 
Finally Obsolete Racing Device 
Fireball On Rear Denting 
First On Road to Dump 
First On Rust and Deterioration 
Fix Or Recycle Dilemma 
Flipping Over Results in Death 
Flipped Over Roadside Disaster 
Follow Our Rusty Dogsled 
Foot On Road Decelerates 
Forced On Reluctant Drivers 
Formed Of Rejected DNA 
Forwarded Once; Return Denied 
Forward Only; Reverse Defective 
Forlorn, Old, Ratridden Dustbin 
Fork Over Repair Dough 
Fouled Out Re-done Dodge 
Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Deterioration 
Free Or Reduced Drastically 
Frequent Opinion: Really Disappointed 
Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable 
Funny Old Rattling Dump 
Forget Out Running Dale (Earnhardt or Jarrett) 
Features O.J. and Ron`s DNA 
Found Out-Right Dangerous 
Future Of Racings Delight 
(backwards) Driver Returns On Foot 
(backwards) Dumb Rednecks Own Fords 

Money Guzzler 
Mostly Garaged 
Major Goof 
MGB: Might Go Backwards 
MGB: Might Go, But . . . 
MGB: Motor Going Bad 
MGF: Might Go Forward 

My Intention: Always To Accelerate 

Many Odd Parts Arranged Randomly 
Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously 
Most Often Passed At Races 
Mostly Old Parts And Rust 
Move Over People Are Racing 
Move Over, Plymouth Approaching Rapidly 
My Old Pig Ain't Running 
My Only Problems Are Repairs 
Mechanics Offer Pinto As Replacement 
More Often Parts Are Replaced 

Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good 
Massivly Under Sized Tires And No Go 
Maybe Under Serious Thought Another No Go 
Maybe Under Serious Thought Another Nice GTO 

Old Ladies Driving Slowly, Making Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday 
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment 

Put In Nickel To Operate 
Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook 
Put In New Transmission Often 
Pushed In Neutral Too Often 

Plan On Numerous Trips In Another Car 
Poor Old Numbskull Thinks Its A Cadillac 

Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything 
Pulled Over Regularly So Cops Have Enough 

Send Another Automobile Back 
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown 
Sad Attempt At Beauty 
Sorry Auto, Always Broken 
Shape Appears Ass-Backwards 

 Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually 

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto 
Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass 
The One You Ought To Avoid 

This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help! 
Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt! 

 Tools Required 

Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object 

Vintage Wreck 
Virtually Worthless