Jokes
Website Designed & Created by Scott "Gonzo" Weaver 2010.
One bolt said to the other; “We’re screwed,” the first ones says. “How do ya know?” … “We have to work with these nuts.”
A guy comes in and asks “Can I get a new starter motor for my Yugo… I said, “Sounds like a good trade to me”
What did the straight screwdriver say to the Phillips screw; “I like ya and all, but you’re just not my type.”
A guy comes in the shop says; “My headlights don’t work.” I ask him; “When did you notice the problem.” He answers; “At night.”
A lady called and told me that her battery was dead. I suggested she “jump” the battery… her reply; “I’m not that kind of girl.”
What did the mini spare say to the other four tires? “I’ll stay in the trunk you guys go ahead… I’m a little tire..d”
A guy calls and asks, “Do ya think ya can fit my car in the shop today?”
The mechanic tells him, “I don’t know, how big is it?”
Over a remote Scottish island a helicopter lost power and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. “Is there a mechanic in the area?” he asked the woman who answered the door. She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. “No,” she finally said, pointing down the road, “but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.”
The shop is dead, nothing going on, not a car in sight … anywhere. Then 2 cars pull up, both drivers get out and come into the shop. They tell me the entire problem with the car and hand me the keys. The owner that handed me the keys then describes the car in detail to me …. So I won’t get it confused with the other cars in the parking lot. Then the two of them drove off in the other car. Now I’m confused… Must be more than one parking lot around here.
Customer comes into the lobby, “I’m here to pick up my car.”
Mechanic, “You’re that strong aye?”
A young customer calls and tells me that his parking lights aren’t working on his car… I’m having one of those rotten days at the shop that everyone experiences time to time. I thought I would try to ease up the day by lightening things up a bit. The young customer tells me, “I only have 200.00 dollars to spend on the problem. How much do you think it will cost?” Trying to funny with the young customer, I soberly answered him, “199.99.” There was a loud click and then nothing but dial tone… gee, I guess he didn’t appreciate the humor in it.
A caller is unsure whether or not to bring his car in the shop. Even though he has been referred to the shop by several people he personally knows. After much debate but lack of insurance about the capabilities of the shop, he insisted that I come out to his place and examine the car there. I tried another approach to get this guy to bring his car in, “How about you just hold the phone up to the exhaust pipe, I’ll listen to it and then have you rev the engine a bit.” He did just that. After he picked up the phone, (and I stopped laughing) I told him, “Yea, ya better bring it in, sounds serious to me.” He brought it in later that day… go figure.
A simple oil change and tire rotation turned out to be a lesson in physics. I changed the oil and rotated the tires and when I pulled the car around front the owner was outraged. Seems I didn’t align each of the valve stems. I really was thinking it should have been Darwin’s theory of natural selection gone wrong.
An old couple is driving on the freeway, their phone rings; it’s their ever so nervous daughter. “Mom, I know you’re on the highway, I just wanted to warn you that there is a crazy driver going the wrong way on the freeway.” Mom shouts back, “There’s more than one.”
A fella calls and goes in to great detail about his truck, the amount of information he gave would fill a book. When asked; what kind of car it was… his only reply; “It’s a red one…”
Have you ever noticed that it takes 3 guys in a TV commercial to stare under a hood…
I bought a bottle of blinker fluid but I haven’t found where to put it.
It takes over 3500 bolts to put a car together, but it only takes one loose nut behind the wheel to screw the whole thing up.
I – D – I – O – T, this is an oldie, when a new guy starts at the shop we try to make him fit in with the rest of the group. To let the new guy know that we tend not to be as serious as they think we are. We send them to look for a part… an ID…ten….T … If there is some doubt as to where one of these items can be found… we suggest looking in the bathroom … check the mirror. You’ll find it.
PRNDL --- Pronounced: “prindel”
“People Really Need Driving Lessons”
I asked this really hip New York city driver a question once... "hey, dude, what would you do if you saw a space man... ?"
driver; "... I'd park man...."
What is sex drive? The distance from the bar to the motel.....
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"
I just waxed my car..... now it's completely hairless... (from my buddy Kevin Dick ... he's hysterical)
People that run in front of cars.... get tired. People who run behind cars....get exhausted.
