Jokes
Website Designed & Created by Scott "Gonzo" Weaver 2010.
One bolt said to the other; “We’re screwed,” the first ones says. “How do ya know?” … “We have to work with these nuts.”
A guy comes in and asks “Can I get a new starter motor for my Yugo… I said, “Sounds like a good trade to me”
What did the straight screwdriver say to the Phillips screw; “I like ya and all, but you’re just not my type.”
A guy comes in the shop says; “My headlights don’t work.” I ask him; “When did you notice the problem.” He answers; “At night.”
A lady called and told me that her battery was dead. I suggested she “jump” the battery… her reply; “I’m not that kind of girl.”
What did the mini spare say to the other four tires? “I’ll stay in the trunk you guys go ahead… I’m a little tire..d”
A guy calls and asks, “Do ya think ya can fit my car in the shop today?”
The mechanic tells him, “I don’t know, how big is it?”
Over a remote Scottish island a helicopter lost power and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. “Is there a mechanic in the area?” he asked the woman who answered the door. She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. “No,” she finally said, pointing down the road, “but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.”
The shop is dead, nothing going on, not a car in sight … anywhere. Then 2 cars pull up, both drivers get out and come into the shop. They tell me the entire problem with the car and hand me the keys. The owner that handed me the keys then describes the car in detail to me …. So I won’t get it confused with the other cars in the parking lot. Then the two of them drove off in the other car. Now I’m confused… Must be more than one parking lot around here.
Customer comes into the lobby, “I’m here to pick up my car.”
Mechanic, “You’re that strong aye?”
A young customer calls and tells me that his parking lights aren’t working on his car… I’m having one of those rotten days at the shop that everyone experiences time to time. I thought I would try to ease up the day by lightening things up a bit. The young customer tells me, “I only have 200.00 dollars to spend on the problem. How much do you think it will cost?” Trying to funny with the young customer, I soberly answered him, “199.99.” There was a loud click and then nothing but dial tone… gee, I guess he didn’t appreciate the humor in it.
A caller is unsure whether or not to bring his car in the shop. Even though he has been referred to the shop by several people he personally knows. After much debate but lack of insurance about the capabilities of the shop, he insisted that I come out to his place and examine the car there. I tried another approach to get this guy to bring his car in, “How about you just hold the phone up to the exhaust pipe, I’ll listen to it and then have you rev the engine a bit.” He did just that. After he picked up the phone, (and I stopped laughing) I told him, “Yea, ya better bring it in, sounds serious to me.” He brought it in later that day… go figure.
A simple oil change and tire rotation turned out to be a lesson in physics. I changed the oil and rotated the tires and when I pulled the car around front the owner was outraged. Seems I didn’t align each of the valve stems. I really was thinking it should have been Darwin’s theory of natural selection gone wrong.
An old couple is driving on the freeway, their phone rings; it’s their ever so nervous daughter. “Mom, I know you’re on the highway, I just wanted to warn you that there is a crazy driver going the wrong way on the freeway.” Mom shouts back, “There’s more than one.”
A fella calls and goes in to great detail about his truck, the amount of information he gave would fill a book. When asked; what kind of car it was… his only reply; “It’s a red one…”
Have you ever noticed that it takes 3 guys in a TV commercial to stare under a hood…
I bought a bottle of blinker fluid but I haven’t found where to put it.
It takes over 3500 bolts to put a car together, but it only takes one loose nut behind the wheel to screw the whole thing up.
I – D – I – O – T, this is an oldie, when a new guy starts at the shop we try to make him fit in with the rest of the group. To let the new guy know that we tend not to be as serious as they think we are. We send them to look for a part… an ID…ten….T … If there is some doubt as to where one of these items can be found… we suggest looking in the bathroom … check the mirror. You’ll find it.
PRNDL --- Pronounced: “prindel”
“People Really Need Driving Lessons”
I asked this really hip New York city driver a question once... "hey, dude, what would you do if you saw a space man... ?"
driver; "... I'd park man...."
What is sex drive? The distance from the bar to the motel.....
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"
I just waxed my car..... now it's completely hairless... (from my buddy Kevin Dick ... he's hysterical)
People that run in front of cars.... get tired. People who run behind cars....get exhausted.
CAR ACRONYMS
ACURA:
Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile
Asia's Curse Upon Rural America
AMC:
All Makes Combined
A Major Cost
A Mutated Car
A Morons Car
Another Major Catastrophe
A Man's Car
A Miss Conception
All Muscle Car
All Most Car
Annoying Mechanics Constantly
Automotive Mental Cruelty
AUDI:
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Automobile Under Demonic Influence
Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence
Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.
All Unnecessary Devices Installed
BMW:
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window
Break My Windshield
Babbling Mechanical Wench
Beastly Monstrous Wonder
Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Barely Moving Wreck
Big Money Waste
Big Money. Why?
Big Money Works
Born Moderately Wealthy
Breaks Most Wrenches
Bring Many Wrenches
Brings Me Women
Brings More Women
Broken Money Waster
Broke My Wallet
Broken Monstrous Wonder
Bumbling Mechanical Wretch
Blasphemous Motorized Wreck
Bavarian Manure Wagon
BUICK:
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
Big Ugly Imitation Chrome King
Camaro:
Can A Mechanic Actually Repair One??
Can't America Make A Real One?
Chevrolet Assembled Mustang And Repaired Often
Could Always Manufacture And Recall Often
CHEVROLET:
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques
Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology
LTD:
Lacks Total Dependability
Lots To Do
Looses Transmissions Daily
GEO:
Good Engineering Overlooked
GM:
General Maintenance
Great Mistake
Garbage Motors
Generally Miserable
Grossly Misconceived
Gluteus Maximus
Good Money
Goofy's Manufacturing
Gone Mental
GMC:
Grief & Misery Combined
Garage Man's Companion
Gotta Mechanic Coming?
Generally Mediocre Cars
Get More Chicks
Gets Mechanics Crazy
Gods Mechanical Curse
Got More Crap
Great Mountain Climber
Great Motor Car
God Made Chevy
Good Moron Car
Got Mine Cheap
Get My Checkbook
Gone Mad Corp.
GTO:
Gas, Tires, Oil
Get Tools Out
Get To Onramp
Good To Own
Get The Others
Generally Trashed Out
Good Time Out
Gone To Overdrive
HONDA:
Honest Officer, Nobody Drank Anything
Had One Never Did Again
Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
Hallmark Of Non-Descript Automobiles
Hallmark Of Non-Destructable Automobiles
History Of No Dramatic Acceleration
How Odd, No Darn Acceleration?
PRELUDE: Pistons Rattle, Engine Locks Up, Differential Explodes
HYUNDAI:
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
JEEP:
Just Eats Every Part
Just Empty Every Pocket
Junk Engineering Executed Poorly
Jumps Extremely Excitedly over Potholes
Jinxed Engine has Extra Parts
Just Enough Engine Power
KIA:
Kick It Around
Kick It Again
Killed In Action
LOTUS:
Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious
MAZDA:
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
DODGE:
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Dead Old Dog Going East
Dead On Day Guarantee Expires
Dead On Delivery, Go Easy
Dead On Delivery, Guarantee Expired
Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
Dear Old Dads Garage Experiment
Daily Overhauls Do Get Expensive
EDSEL:
Every Day Something Else Leaks
Every Day Some Engineer Laughs
FIAT:
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It Again, Tony
Fix It All the Time
Found In A Toilet
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
FERRARI
Ferociously Elegant Racer Ravages All Roads Instantly
FORD:
Frigin' Old Rebuilt Dodge
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
First On Race Day
First On Recall Day
Fabricated Of Refried Dung
Fails On Rainy Days
Fantastically Orgasmic Realistic Dream
Fatally Obese Redneck Driver
Fault Of R&D
Finally Obsolete Racing Device
Fireball On Rear Denting
First On Road to Dump
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Recycle Dilemma
Flipping Over Results in Death
Flipped Over Roadside Disaster
Follow Our Rusty Dogsled
Foot On Road Decelerates
Forced On Reluctant Drivers
Formed Of Rejected DNA
Forwarded Once; Return Denied
Forward Only; Reverse Defective
Forlorn, Old, Ratridden Dustbin
Fork Over Repair Dough
Fouled Out Re-done Dodge
Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Deterioration
Free Or Reduced Drastically
Frequent Opinion: Really Disappointed
Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable
Funny Old Rattling Dump
Forget Out Running Dale (Earnhardt or Jarrett)
Features O.J. and Ron`s DNA
Found Out-Right Dangerous
Future Of Racings Delight
(backwards) Driver Returns On Foot
(backwards) Dumb Rednecks Own Fords
MG:
Money Guzzler
Mostly Garaged
Major Goof
MGB: Might Go Backwards
MGB: Might Go, But . . .
MGB: Motor Going Bad
MGF: Might Go Forward
MIATA:
My Intention: Always To Accelerate
MOPAR:
Many Odd Parts Arranged Randomly
Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously
Most Often Passed At Races
Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Move Over People Are Racing
Move Over, Plymouth Approaching Rapidly
My Old Pig Ain't Running
My Only Problems Are Repairs
Mechanics Offer Pinto As Replacement
More Often Parts Are Replaced
MUSTANG:
Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good
Massivly Under Sized Tires And No Go
Maybe Under Serious Thought Another No Go
Maybe Under Serious Thought Another Nice GTO
OLDSMOBILE:
Old Ladies Driving Slowly, Making Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
PINTO:
Put In Nickel To Operate
Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook
Put In New Transmission Often
Pushed In Neutral Too Often
PONTIAC:
Plan On Numerous Trips In Another Car
Poor Old Numbskull Thinks Its A Cadillac
PORSCHE:
Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
Pulled Over Regularly So Cops Have Enough
SAAB:
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Sad Attempt At Beauty
Sorry Auto, Always Broken
Shape Appears Ass-Backwards
SUBARU:
Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
TOYOTA:
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass
The One You Ought To Avoid
TRIUMPH:
This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!
Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt!
TR:
Tools Required
VOLVO:
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW:
Vintage Wreck
Virtually Worthless
